This morning's commute and other commuting stories

Have a look at MIB for untraceable driver claims

It's really a case for his third party insurance (if he has it and if you think it's worth bothering, which from the edit I guess you don't).

Yeah, the suburbs are full of cunts

Indeed. The folks live out in Zone 5 and there's a bunch of roads around the area with lots of primary schools that have 20mph limits. Woe betide you if you actually drive at 20mph however, you'll be tailgated, honked at, flashed and extremely aggressively overtaken by every single other driver on the road.

Get a child-like doll and fill it with entrails from a dead animal (plenty of foxes around that fit the bill nicely). Throw it through their window, screaming, "think of the children!!".

Wait, you're in a car? That's even better. You've never seen windows go up or people dive for side streets as quick as when they beeps and you slam on the handbrake, throw off your belt, fling the door open and start walking back to the car behind. Tyre iron optional, depends how crazed you normally look.

Nah - i heard the acceleration behind to the side of me and thought - fuck that feels a bit close, then, ouch. heaps of cars just drove around me as i got up and by that point said cunt was miles off.

Bugger.
I'm pretty good getting plates but got fed up with some of the fuckers escaping with no repercussions so got myself a camera setup for the commute.

Saw a complete bellchief nearly wipe themselves along the side of a bus on my way home today. Bus was waiting, indicator on, to turn right into the side road I was trying to leave. Waits for his gap, makes his move, and when he's halfway through his turn said bellchief cam rolling down the outside of the traffic, popping a fuck-off wheelie! Narrowly avoids the bus by hanging off to the right, nearly taking me out. Proceeds to pull a U-ey and glide straight out into the road to go behind the bus. Full size cans on his ears and the audacity to be shaking his fucking head!

End rant.

offered out outside my own fucking house by some spotty scrote in the passenger seat of a prius PHV that had just pulled out of the estate 20 yards down the road for not "getting out of the road" as i was about to mount up and ride off. has threatened to return to fuck me up later etc.

needle dicked fucking waste of skin and organs. die.

I think I must have missed the meeting where all other cyclists on my commute agreed to change how we overtake each other to "pull slightly ahead of the person you want to overtake matching their speed then just drift across their front wheel so they either have to brake or swerve out of the way"

Almost got taken out by some twat in a hired Luton who pulled the classic 'I will overtake this cyclist now, oh no there is traffic coming the other way down this two way street who could have predicted, I will pull in again now' move. Fortunately, I could see it coming a mile off so I'd already slowed down to avoid getting smashed, but still had to slam the brakes on as I hadn't predicted how much of a screeching halt he'd have to come to in order to avoid a collision of his own.

Caught him at the next set of lights and politely requested that he never do that again to me or to any other cyclist. He had the decency to look slightly sheepish.

Cunt.

Stop, machete time!

dooo dooo doo do doo dooooo dooooo

#selfdefenseofficerhonestguv

No, no, no, increase speed. Ride 'em off your hip. They should never be allowed to get near your front wheel. :)

Yeah. Sorry about that. I was in a rush.

fite me irl n00b

A/S/L both, so we can sort out the odds.

I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced lollipop. Welcome to hell, population: you

edited: because even though this is copy pasta it should have been read and as @WillMelling has pointed out to me, p/f is offensive.

^
Do people really say these things?

lol y u mad tho?

Because this morning I forgot my work computer.
I cycled up Wells Park, went down the path, got to the bottom and realised I'd forgotten my laptop. Cycled back up the path, down Wells Park, then went through East Dulwich and Denmark Hill.

double wells park in a morning? fuck that noise.

i'm literally dying when i get to the top of that fucker - and i cut through the estate.

Not a commute but a quick 30-odd miler with a couple hills.

Argument with a white 4x4 close passer but...

On the way back up a long slow drag of a ‘hill’ (little more than false flat), I saw a little mole in the road, first thought it was dead, but it started to crawl a bit. Threw the bike to the side of the road and rescued the little guy before getting squished by cars bombing down the road.

Much karma, very satisfy.

Welll...
It was Wells - path to syd hill station - path to sydhill station - Wells - Kirkdale - sydenham rise descent.
But yeah. I wasn't happy.

Why would you go through the estate? WHY?

i've convinced myself it's quicker.

That path is horrible steep. I once pushed a buggy up it and nearly keeled over.

So, umm, chapeau I suppose!