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@Drano
New bike.
Tub virgin.
Jubilant maiden voyage.
Puncture.
Frantic research.
Purchase slime.
Vittoria Rally.
Non-removable valve core (why??)
Sewn cloth.
Balls!
Time to read this entire thread and figure out my next steps.
Edit: 84 pages later I kind of know what to do but definitely not looking forward to it.