@JesperXT
Just did some googling at work, a few people had similar problems with different cars, all saying a battery/starter motor/alternator connection issue.
Uh, that sounds entirely plausible as I changed the alternator belt. Thank you very much.
Spot on. Went through all connections near where I'd worked with a wire brush and some battery grease. Changed the battery for good measure. Started right up. Still sounds like shit, but a new belt, bearing and power steering pump should sort that.
@NurseHolliday started
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@JesperXT
Just did some googling at work, a few people had similar problems with different cars, all saying a battery/starter motor/alternator connection issue.