• Bob Dylan was right, the times they are a changin'.

    You, my little Fauntleroy, need to put some lead in your fucking pencil and not spend Christmas Day weeping over a kitchen in the very mildest disarray.

    Even if your housemate is a cunt-and the jury is out on that one-at least he's fucking socialised to the point he can have a dinner party and not leave the place looking like a group of sailors just got ashore after nine months at sea eating nothing but seagull and decided to gangfuck every dish off of every takeaway menu in the city. If you're so put out over that I'd say you've had a very sheltered life of flatshares. Try coming home to your flatmate flailing naked in three regurgitated bottles of £2.50 Montepulciano and a quesadilla at the bottom of your stairs.

    Three pages of virtual scorn have now been dedicated to an unwashed lasagne dish. That's plenty.

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