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  • Took my kid swimming the other day. He went into the kiddies end and I told him I was going up to the deep end because I needed a pee. As you do.
    I never noticed the life guard sitting there. He shouted, "Oi you, ye dirty B*****D. Stop that right now!"
    I got such a fright, I nearly fell in!!!

  • Decided to take a dip in our local swimming pool the other day.

    The lifeguard shouted "Oi! Get out of there! You can't bring that in here!"

    "But, it's only hummus", I replied.

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