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That's what cigarettes are for, non?
I can't eat solids when I'm riding so as long as I get a big shit out before I set off I'm golden-the only trouble I've had is that bedding in period with new gels where they can set the shits off if you push it. We're talking minor sharts though, not angsty roadside chocolate fountains.
I find that Torq natural ones are far far kinder on the stomach than the super sugary, caffeine laced things they give out free at sportives.
Normally in races I'm dehydrated so I tend to shit bricks. If it was me on the roadside, I'd have been there for an hour, grunting and sweaty and cursing the Earth. It would've made a great reality tv show...