Car appreciation... the aesthetics, the engineering, etc

The plot thickens:

I moved the car out of the garage to await the recovery truck, some observations:

• You need a lot of revs to move off on the flat, as if you are on an incline
  
• As soon as you come off the throttle the car stops
  
• Even on an incline
  
• It stays stopped, on an incline, with no pressure on the brake pedal
  
• It's sluggish
  
  

All the previous symptoms still present - spongy pedal, slow to return etc.

When moving off for the first time with the handbrake and normal brakes released there was a "gronk!" of the brakes releasing.

I think they're sticking on, basically.

What on earth is going on?