The Essex villages game

How do you pass the time as you're sweating down the lanes in Essex, waiting for the next roadside mirror to take one of your #selfies4dimi3 ?

I'll tell you what I do: I play the Essex villages game, in my own head.

How does it work? I'll tell you. You look at the name of a part of Essex that comes up on your Garmin (or a street sign if you're a Luddite/not Froome). Then, in the spirit of Liar's Wednesday, you come up with the backstory.

Today:

Harold Hill and Harold Wood - The stars of ITV's mediocre attempt to ride on the Two Ronnies' success. Harold Wood was no relation to the more successful Ronnie, and famously went missing in the Bermuda Triangle. Hill runs an orphanage in Myanmar, but is facing extradition after recent revelations in Operation Yewtree.

Stanford Rivers - American explorer and anthropologist infamous for his arrogance and disdain for the subjects of his research. A movement is underway to rename the Stanford Rivers Centre for Anthropological Research at Yale University but they haven't got a snappy enough slogan for it to really gain traction.

Stapleford Abbotts - The collective formed in opposition to Henry VIII's dissolution of the monasteries, famous for composing unflattering ditties about the size of the monarch's genitalia before they were eventually caught and executed.

Don't feel restricted by the name, this could probably work anywhere.

Your turn...

I save this kind of thing for my shrink ;)

Group therapy helps.

But I should probably just take my headphones.

Now you've seeded the idea I'll definitely end up playing it!

I often end up with a specific phrase or lyric that just goes round and round in my head.

I find elevating my thoughts beyond the immediate, trivial of banal when I'm cycling quite tough. It clears the head quite effectively.

Ivy Chimneys is an obvious one for a bit of smut.

Silver End - Part of the screwdriver which one applies to the screw before turning

Ahh good old 'Fiddler's Hamlet' near Epping, a small clutch of homes where people play the violin furiously....

Was Abbess Roding in league with the Stapleford Abbotts?

I think her apparent misdeeds with the local populace were used as a pretext to close down the Waltham Abbey. They were later thought to be the invention of Thomas Cromwell's overactive imagination.

West Hanningfield is a misnomer. It actually stretches farther east than any of the other Hanningfields.

Home improvement expert
Harold Hill of Harold Hill
Of do-it-yourself dexterity
And double-glazing skill
Came home to find another gentleman's kippers
In the grill
So sanded off his winkle
With his Black and Decker drill

© Ian Dury