Vegetarian & Vegan food

Oh, how very cool. We were just thinking about where to do the next vegan meetup.

I like this

So you want to sell us something? If you are going to do it in person, in the shop like, you’ll need an awful lot of luck. Here’s our ten golden rules:

1) Absolutely NO telecoms or electricity supply reps past the lintel, please. They induce a nervous tic in the shopkeeper. Have you any idea how irritating you are and how much your product bores us?

2) Do not swagger in with a “How you doin’ today?” unless we are already acquainted. This pseudo matey stuff is a dead giveaway for what you are about, and makes the hair on the back of our necks prickle.

3) If the shopkeeper is having a bad day, they will not want to play, and will immediately ask you what you are trying to sell. Watch his body language too: if the shopkeeper rushes behind his till, you are making him feel nervous. Denial at this stage is useless (you know, the “Oh, I’m not trying to sell anything, just trying to improve your life/the planet…” line) and you will get very short shrift. Just smile and cross them off your list graciously.

4) If the shopkeeper is feeling playful, he or she will indicate it and you may proceed to converse. A sardonic grin usually means the shopkeeper is either bored or looking to draw blood, but if he uncrosses his arms and smiles warmly, get cracking with your patter. You do not know how long this window of opportunity will last, so keep it light and brief.

5) Religious and political reps are only ever admitted for their entertainment value. If you are not funny, forget it.

6) The question “Is the owner around?” will always be met with the answer ‘no’. If the person whom you have addressed isn’t the owner, it is insulting. If he is the owner, the question carries an unbearable burden of which we would rather not be reminded.

7) We do actually buy lots of stuff literally off the backs of lorries and vans, but never metaphorically ‘off the back of a lorry’. If you see what we mean. Nor will any other shopkeeper worth his special-offer-this-week-only salt. Nicked stuff has to have come from somewhere. Possibly another shop. It’s wrong. In fact, if you catch us at a bad moment, we may even turn you in ourselves.

8) Lady sales persons with very high heels and impossibly polished nails scare us: so do men in immaculate suits. As a rep you should look smart, but if you look too smart you have the shopkeeper at a disadvantage. And you also run the risk of looking like a health/tax/trading standards inspector.

9) Sales personages with dirty finger nails will not be entertained. Even if they are giving away free chocolate.

10) Tea or refreshments will only ever be offered on the second visit. IF you are lucky enough to be invited to make a second visit. And no, you can’t just use the loo.

If you want to do this over the phone, you will need even more luck. It brings out the imperious in us. Here’s our top five tips:

1) When-oh-when will telesales companies learn only to employ the articulate? Mumbling, lazy enunciation or poor pronunciation are no-nos. In any language or with any accent.

2) For goodness’ sake don’t read stuff at us. For starters, when we interrupt or ask you a silly question, you will get all flustered and lose your place. And secondly, if you are insufficiently interested in the product that you are trying to flog to learn what it actually is – well then you shouldn’t be working there.

3) Mornings are always a bad time to ring. Shopkeepers have better things to do. Ring too early and we’ll have you for breakfast. Early afternoon is a safer bet.

4) If it is a survey, be clear about how long the thing will take. Occasionally it behoves us to indulge you, but if it is too long we will just get the ache and hang up.

5) Begging calls are bad news. We already give to two charities on a regular basis. There ain’t enough in the pot to go any further. So don’t call us because then we just feel mean having to tell you ‘NO’.

must go