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Plastic and tacky rules it out in any case.
I'm mainly interested in whether there is a significant difference in the likelihood of telephone number bills from a clean E350 or a similar age 3L petrol 5 series. An A6 could be another option. If the chances are roughly the same, I just need to decide if it is worth it, or I should just get a 2 year old Mondeo.
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By the sounds of it you want reliable wafting down the motorway.
Observation suggests that an e class merc can take a beating (minicabs etc) as you don't see many BMW hire cars.
My brother in-law has an A6 estate. Bought second hand, I think 2013 model. He covers plenty of miles and has had no issues. Think it's a TDI. Bit harsh though.
Don't get a diesel though.... based on exactly one experience (and indirect at that) then you will get intermittent issues with injectors and fixing it costs way more than the car is worth.
That and they are plastic and tacky. Surely a Vauxhall Insignia would be a better drive?
I know you mentioned no French but a late model Citroen c5 would make an excellent motorway cruiser.