I ended up taking this to the LBS. They said that it's the most stuck BB they've ever come across. It's been sent to Winston Vas to be melted out. It's being shot blasted while we're at it. The paint around the BB will be screwed anyway. I hope the GF appreciates this!
How the hell am I supposed to get this out?
I have a decent BB tool but there's nothing for it to get purchase on.