eBay and Craigslist finds

Someone wants you to hate-buy their bike:

Terrible bike.
The worst bike ever.
From the listing:
How this bike will make you feel

• Sad
  
• If you are a man, the ride will make your genitals feel small, tired and worn.
  
• Angry at the world.
  
• Tired
  
  

other gems:
Things that have happened to me on this bike:

• This one time I was riding the bike and I was eating an apple and it had fermented inside and it tasted like cider. I was both delighted and horrified. I spat it out, retching all the way home.
  
• Another time I was riding the bike and the back tyre literally exploded.
  
• Sometimes young punks in thick Bristolian accents shout "Noice Boike mayte! Bet that cost a lort uf moneee" as you ride past.
  
  

I hesitate to get into the comments, but I couldn't resist this one:
Q: This sounds like exactly what I might be looking for - I live a happy life and need something like this to cause problems.