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I did briefly consider just tweeting "Mrs Sparky gets the house if I croak" so that it's on record, but I assume that's a stupid idea?
Completely ineffective. In order to be valid, a will has to comply with the technicalities of the Wills Act 1837. If it doesn't, it has no effect at all. You could get a will kit and try doing it yourself. Lawyers actually like people doing that - they don't get paid for drafting the will, but we get sooooo much more for sorting out the resulting mess. Kerching.
I own the flat and we're not married. I should probably sort out a will so that she gets to stay if I croak. What's the cheapest way to do that? I did briefly consider just tweeting "Mrs Sparky gets the house if I croak" so that it's on record, but I assume that's a stupid idea?