I know what you mean about it being a bit dense (re-reading it I think it's the description of the room). There are some beautiful scenes in there - the 4 lads and the whaft of splif, etc. but I guess you could maybe look for ones which aren't adding enough.
But the difficulty is the rambling coupled with the intense detail in a sort of film noir way is what makes the end/resolution so poignant and brings it all back into focus (for me at least). So I don't know if you'd want to take too much out.
The bulk of it sort of needs to be a be OTT and taking it's self too seriously for the dog-shit-on-chest scene to properly contrast.... and its that absurdity that really nails it on what it's like to be too in your own head and how you get out.
I'm not sure if that really makes much sense and it's a lay persons view.
I'm a lay person too!! But that all makes sense - yeah, I might do a spot of editing at some point. I'll read it again later with fresh eyes and decide. Cheers!
I know what you mean about it being a bit dense (re-reading it I think it's the description of the room). There are some beautiful scenes in there - the 4 lads and the whaft of splif, etc. but I guess you could maybe look for ones which aren't adding enough.
But the difficulty is the rambling coupled with the intense detail in a sort of film noir way is what makes the end/resolution so poignant and brings it all back into focus (for me at least). So I don't know if you'd want to take too much out.
The bulk of it sort of needs to be a be OTT and taking it's self too seriously for the dog-shit-on-chest scene to properly contrast.... and its that absurdity that really nails it on what it's like to be too in your own head and how you get out.
I'm not sure if that really makes much sense and it's a lay persons view.