Locks that work

I did check the first page. There's no evo on the list. Here it is if you want to double check:

This list will not include rope locks, as they are useless. Primarily this will list shackle locks with a bar diameter of at least 16mm, 18mm being preferable if choosing between either (The exception to this is Abus' specially hardened 13mm steel, which has survived testing that some 16mm steel U-locks failed.).

Other, lock types (armoured cables, and heavy chains) will be listed, but in a different section.

There will be no compromise based on weight or price. Only the best will do.
Best of the best
U-Locks / D-Locks

These are the very best:

16mm Abus Granite Extreme 59
18mm Kryptonite New York Fahgettaboudit Mini (the best, but not big enough for MTBs with fat tyres, fine for road bikes with tighter clearances)

These others are pretty damn good:

18mm Kryptonite New York M-18
18mm Xena Bullett XUL
18mm Artago 18ART 270
16mm OnGuard Brute X4 (best value security, from major company)

Chains

Only one is good enough to be considered the best. Leave it at work, or at university, so you can relock it each day.

Almax Immobiliser Series IV
PJB Untouchable 19mm

Skewer Locks

Solid Axle

Atomic 22
Pinhead

Quick Release/Hollow Axle

Trans-X Security (good design)
Hublox Security Skewers (ease of use)

The full list
Heavy Duty D-Locks/U-Locks (Primary security)

18mm/19mm:

Artago 18ART 270 [18mm] £116.99
Asakiltt Shackle Lock [Mod.31-2166] [17mm] £17.99
GRP Superdeals U-Lock 18mm
Kryptonite New York Fahgettaboudit Mini [18mm] £79.99 [2.09kgs] [SOLD SECURE GOLD] TEST
Kryptonite New York M-18 [18mm] £74.92 [2.74kgs] [SOLD SECURE GOLD]
Xena Bullett XUL series [18mm] {Alarmed lock} [2.92kgs (210cm); 3.34kgs (270cm); 3.48kgs (310cm)] £75.00

16mm/17mm (or equivalent strength):

Abus Granite Extreme 59 £106.36 [2.9kgs (260cm); 3.06kgs (310cm)]
Abus Granit X-Plus 540 13mm £76.49 [1.84kgs (30cm); 1.4kgs (23cm)] [SOLD SECURE GOLD]
BLOK UL X200 (Magnum) [16mm] £39.99
GRP Superdeals U-Lock [16mm] £14.99 (round barrel, not square)
Wilson Cycles, Peckham
Kryptonite New York 3000 [16mm] £62.00 [1.965kgs] [SOLD SECURE GOLD]
Kryptonite New York Standard [16mm] £40.99 [1.965kgs] [SOLD SECURE GOLD]
Onguard Brute X4 16mm £39.99 [1.864kgs]
Onguard Brute Mini 5112 X4 16mm EUR 31-34 [2.109kgs] {how this is heavier than its bigger brother, I don't know}
Oxford Magnum 16mm £35.99 [SOLD SECURE GOLD]
Trelock BS 550 16mm £35.99
Trelock BS 610 16mm £44.99

Chains: 16mm minimum

(Extremely heavy, and will last long enough to put off most thieves, but not indestructible)

Almax Immobiliser Series III (with lock) £99.95
Almax Immobiliser Series III (0.7m chain only) £59.95
Almax Immobiliser Series IV (1m chain only) £74.95 [19mm diameter links!!]
Colossus chain + Viper lock (1.2m chain) £89.99
PJB Untouchable 16mm £69.99
PJB Untouchable 19mm £169.99 [19mm diameter links!!]
Pragmasis Protector £66.65
Squire Ex-Caliber SS65 £49.95

Armoured Cable Locks

There are no recommended armoured cable locks.
Alarm Disc Locks

Very useful in shared accomodation, outside the pub, or at university - not primary security.

VirtualVillage 6mm Motorcycle alarm disc lock (110db) £17.90
JBSL02 Alarm Disc Lock (100db) £22.95
LA-01 Alarm padlock (105db) £16.99 (adequate chainring-based deterrent, but easily cut)
LA-02 Alarm disc lock (100db) £22.95
Motrax Alarm Disc Lock (100db) £29.99
"New" Alarm Disc Lock (112db) £28.36
Oxford Boss (110db) £59.99
Oxford Screamer Alarm Disc Lock (100db) £27.26
SG Locks Heavy Security 3-01 £19.99
SNC 808 Alarm Disc Lock (110db) £19.99
Xena XBL2-35 (110db) £59.40
Xena XPL46 (110db) £44.99
Xena XZZ6 Alarm Disc Lock (110db) £31.95 (+ postage)

Alarm Padlocks

Again, nearly essential security in London, but not as primary security).

Krabus XL505 (the original) (as used on downtube [very effectively] by edscoble)
SNC locks (many are Krabus copies)
Faithfull (Krabus copy)
Budget Alarm Padlock (Krabus copy)
Rolson Alarm Padlock (Krabus copy)

Axle / Skewer Locks: (additional security, NOT primary security)

For solid axles (ie. fixed gear hubs):

Atomic 22 [needs to be bought direct from manufacturer]
Pinhead
Pitlock

For hollow axles (ie. quick release):

Hublox Security Skewers
Pinhead Duo
Pinhead Tri
Pitlock
Trans-X Security Quick Release
Tranz Secura
Zefal Lock n Roll

Demoted

Trelock BS 610 [16mm] Failed!

Other links

Alarmed Disc-Lock Review - by Clefty
Sheldon Method - DO NOT USE IT
2006 locks test
Seatpost security on Lfgss
Security Chains wall-of-shame by Almax
Secondary Locks - a sister thread to this one (NOT primary locks)
LOCK CARE: For u-locks, the best grease is graphite grease/lubricant/powder.