I confess...

Terrorists have infiltrated my allotment.

I was clearing out an old shed (due to be demolished) and found an old, slightly rusty retractable metal tape measure. I thought I might be able to fix it so I opened up the plastic case to have a look. Surely nothign a bit of WD40 can't fix?

After a few moments of fiddling the plastic housing broke allowing the massive central spring to explode sending shrapnel over a 5m radius. The bastard cut my hand, took a chunk out of my glasses lens, and made an odd semicircular cut on my forehead. (I was lucky I was holding it near my waist rather than nearer my eye). It shifted so quickly it felt like getting a punch in the face.

I can only think IS or Al kwik fit had many years earlier submerged the tape measure in water allowing the metal centre to degrade and central housing to weaken just so that when I opened it the bastard would blow up.

I found a slightly rusty spade too but I bet they've spread ebola on it or some shit. Crafty bastards.

Saved by the glasses!

I confess that I spent about 25 usd on an original copy of the 2007 mash DVD...

I confess I'm 40, but still ride my track (tarck) bike everywhere.

#midlifecrisis

I'm considering buying a turbo

Go for it, they're great saddles.

Go for it, they're a great way to train in winter.

(Delete as applicable to faciliate the quip)

There's no replacement for replacement.

Except refinement.

?

i fucking love cold, cheap vienna sausages with hi-viz american mustard.

At last, a sausage that is doing it's best to earn respect.

Vienna sausages? Where do you live, the fucking 1890s?

it's what is says on the packet!

of 20.

Sorry, that should have read "no replacement for displacement".

Ah I see. Put the whole thing on hold anyway, cheaper to get a train to the Peaks/Pennines a couple of times a week and put up with a bit of rain.

My evening meal consisted of 5 hobnobs, half a box of Cadbury's Roses chocolates, half a porkpie and two bottles of ale.
Consumed in less then a minute while standing in my pants in the kitchen.

I need help

"half a box of Cadbury's Roses chocolates"

Urgh, is it Christmas again already :-(

That's actually quite impressive, unless you unwrapped the roses before you started the stopwatch.

Don't be impressed. Be appalled.

Shortly afterwards I fell asleep and now my mouth tastes furry.

I once fell asleep whilst eating a babybell cheese. Most disgusting mouth feel ever, upon waking.

I just had one of my scariest moments on a bike, riding round Richmond and Kingston which I don't know very well I ended up on west hill/Kingston road and span faster than I've ever spun before.

Why didn't you brake?

#brakesaredeath?

Probably not in this example.

Perhaps my most embarrassing and pathetic confession: While riding around the plentiful canal paths where I live, I refer to anyone in front of me as a (potential) burn victim and when I see one in the distance I say things to myself like 'target locked' before I sneak behind them ('approaching target' Star Wars style) and then I fucking burn them!

I can't help but imagine one of your potential burn victims quenching your fire by nudging you into the canal.

I guessed a discount code for a company based on a previous one they had given me and I had already used. I still had to pay shipping + vat, but I got about £15 off which I shouldn't.