Tour de France 2014

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"Flies ‘Challenging Cyclists’ Social Preconceptions of Pain and Tolerance’

It has been revealed that the annoying flies that chase you when you’re out riding are, in fact, engaged in an earnest and longstanding campaign to change cyclists’ attitudes to endurance and suffering.

Horse-fly and member of the Diptera super-family of Tabinoidia, but commonly known amongst his friends and fellow social activists as ‘Jeez’ told us:

”I am totally engaged with the struggle to re-classify the humble fly as something that can just be brushed away as a simple annoyance. We’ve only got one planet and we all need to live here. I assert that cyclists, as a rich source of delicious fluids, salts and minerals, should be more tolerant in their attitudes to us, and I will continue to harass those who pass through my domain as I believe is right and important. I don’t know much about politics or indeed, cycling, but I defend my right to have a very large opinion despite being a fly.”

He continues:

"Having said that, I also support the right of spiders, aphids and other flying insects to have an opinion, with the only caveat being that they have to defer to my very strongly defined moral compass. I mean, I recruited some enthusiastic moths a while ago but mid-demonstration they’d just fuck off and fly around a light bulb for a while, and that’s never going to get us anywhere. No, the only path to success is to be as big a pain in the arse as is possible by hanging out at the foot of a steep hill and ambushing them, then, just when people think you’ve fucked off and are no longer torturing them as they try to winch themselves up a Cat 1 climb, you sneak back and try to take a lump out of their ass cheek so they have to sit on a bag of frozen peas all night."

Wasp Apollo said “I try to operate on a live and let live basis, although I admit sometimes I am trying to get home to the nest in a hurry and bang into some lycra clad twunt and it’s a total hindrance so I might lose my rag, but I **disagree with Jeez’s policy of blind irritation **as being counterproductive. I mean, we’re all just trying to get along and maybe I might covet a bit of jam on the cafe stop but in general I try to control my sugar addicted urges and give them the space they seem to need despite the deliciously fluo lycra. All the hand flapping and agitation just isn’t worth it anyway.”

Fruit-Fly Jimmy took an altogether different stance, saying:

"Cyclists are something of a conflicting temptation for me. I developed my taste for them hanging around in the pub as I usually do, cadging bits of people’s pints and spilled Coke, but then a local cycle club started coming in and I’d get totally wired on their caffeine laced gels and power bar wrappers and start jibbering like a maniac. Since then I’ve struggled to control myself any time I see a cyclist either in real life or on TV, and tend to lose the plot a bit."

Asked about his views on the political struggle between cyclists and flying insects he replied:

"I’m just sick of being lied to. It’s pretty obvious that something’s not right when a cyclist can ride away from a flight-enabled insect, and personally I don’t think it’s fair. They should be forced to walk and keep the competition on a level playing field-I mean, how do they think we feel when they pass by in all that lurid lycra smelling of sweet sweet sweat, and we’re expected to just stand there without reacting. They’re asking for it really.""