Tour de France 2014

http://www.trekfactoryracing.com/news/cancellara-withdraws-tour-de-france

Cancellara: “I won't fucking ride for Frank any more. The season has been long for me, starting back in Dubai and to be fair, we weren't ever going to win much considering the betwetter to ability ratio of the team. I have done 59 days of competition this season so far without really doing much of any note, and I have another big goal at the end of this season: to get the fuck away from the Schlecks and maybe spend a quality weekend at Center Parcs to see if wives really to let you put it in their bum if you holiday there. It’s not a secret that I’d like to be in my best shape there, so it’s important that I take some rest.”

Cancellara came to the Tour to be competitive, whilst preferably not inconveniencing his online bridge playing scores or being relied on to deflect some of the air of mute tragedy surrounding the fiasco that is Trek racing and the Schleck brothers. He came close to the victory and his 29th yellow jersey with a late attack in stage 1, finished fifth in stage 5 in Arenberg, defended his fifth place in the overall until an untimely puncture in the final of stage 7 and sprinted to second place in stage 9 to Mulhouse, but when all the good riders started hurting themselves to get home early he decided he didn't want to be that awkward guy that's still at the party when it's really starting to thin out and the people that live there are visibly bored, so now he's fucking off home to try and find some reasonably priced garden furniture to compliment his new decking.

Cancellara: “It was not only about the cobblestones stage for me. The course for this year’s Tour is very attractive for a rider of my profile, I liked it. But then I realised I couldn't be fucking bothered, and that nobody else could either. There were many opportunities and with a little more luck, I could have gone home earlier with a result in the pocket to make it look like I'd tried. It’s been good to be back in the Tour, especially because we lost Andy (Schleck) and Danny (Van Poppel) early on, making it understandable not to try very hard for much longer, but the team is strong and will keep on looking for opportunities to leave as early as we can, hopefully without actually injuring ourselves. I know that Rast's been thinking up a blinder of an excuse to get out of here, although Haimar Zubeldia was really upset that I'd gotten in before him as he too was going to use the old 'World Championships' excuse. Last I saw him he was drinking a catering sized bucket of mayonnaise he'd left on the roof of the team bus all day to try and get a bad case of the shits, but Frank came along and started dipping chips in it and then it was confiscated. He'll probably just have to do what Andy did and fall off.”

General Manager Luca Guercilena: “We brought Fabian to the Tour to be a factor where his skills allowed it and it's just too bad that these primarily proved to be in the domain of pissing the bed at any and every opportunity, although he didn’t disappoint by the way in which he's excused himself from the table like a moody teenager and snuck off to play playstation. He’s a rider that always comes to a race to give everything he can to get home first - if you just look at how he was working for Fränk (Schleck) yesterday at 20 km from the finish in a mountain stage, it was clear he just couldn't wait to get back on the bus. Now he gets a short break and then we will build up his condition again to be at his best in Ponferrada, which is Center Parc's new 'Mexican buffet wigwam' that has something called 'Chicken Poppers' which is actually chicken nuggets laced with poppers so your wife can get a porn-star level gaper on the go after her all day spa session that of course, includes a coffee enema-it sounds fantastic so of course, we bear him no ill will in going home and just wish him every success in getting some bum action.'

Trek, what a team to be on.