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  • Keys, Gray, Platt, Heskey and Moyes.

    Keys and Gray are the Simon and Garfunkel of punditry, but without the worldwide esteem - they just skipped right to the being privately hateful of each other part. I can remember Platt coming for dinner at a Nottingham restaurant I cooked at yonks back, but he won't as his refined right-peg consumes his Midlands brain. Heskey says too much by staying silent and Moyes is the type to find Louis Walsh inspirational. A panel with bottom-of-the-barrel aspirations.

    I've been enjoying Martin O'Neill on ITV, but apart from him it's a load of tripe. Ian Wright still can't quite believe his luck at being invited again, but not as much as I can't believe he's paid to sit there in shirts as bad as his remarks. Hoddle's not yet dropped to his knees and blessed Adrian Chiles, so apart from his sunglasses and ugly knees he's OK by me. The BBC win in the panel department, as they do with their captions and graphics, which are as equally important in World Cup broadcasting as a programme's titles and theme music.

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