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  • Don't go to Le Havre.
    It's a nice enough place, but if you go there it will rain all day as some kind of cosmic punishment. I have no idea why.

    Do not tuck your waterproof trousers into your boots. That, it turns out, is an unbelievably silly idea.

    Service your bike before you go. When it decides to cut out at 80mph on the autoroute and you spend the next 4 hours in fear and misery wondering if you are going to be stranded or killed, and when you make it to an authorised dealer the cunt shrugs his shoulders at you and refuses to look at your bike because it's not booked in you will wish you'd just booked it in for plugs and oil before you left.

    Final tip. Make sure you actually catch the ferry.

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